Shadow Integration

Is your shadow side calling out to be integrated? Would you benefit from starting your self reflective healing journey? Unless you’ve been critically working on yourself for a few years, the answer is probably Yes.

Indicators that you would benefit from shadow Integration

• You don’t recognise what others see in you.
• You struggle to express certain emotions, like anger or sadness. 
• You feel suppressed in your life.
• You feel repressed by your relationships.
• You are not ‘doing’ what you want to be.
• You hold yourself back from new opportunities and experiences.
• You hold yourself back from speaking your truth.
• You do not show up with authenticity.
• You let others diminish you and dull your sparkle.

I recognise it can be hard to identify all of these traits within ourselves, it is not easy to admit that you are not showing up authentically in your own life. Read on to gain understanding about how this happens, and have faith, it is fixable with shadow integration and healing.

Where does our Shadow side come from?

Shadow integration is the most effective way, to become a fully functioning human and step into your true power. Each of us have a shadow side, a side of us that we are consciously ‘unaware’ of. When we are growing up our care givers and society show us what traits, emotions, characteristics and behaviours are accepted, and which are not. These prerequisites are often different depending on your gender childhood and where in the world you grow up.

Girls can be taught not to show too much confidence, not to be loud, take up too much space, show anger or be ‘un-ladylike’. Boys can be taught not to show fear, not to cry, not to be too feminine or show weakness. Of course this is generalising to make a point, and many parents (especially in the last 20 years) are not consciously raising their children with these outdated narrow minded standards and ideals. Most parents are doing their best to minimise the trauma caused by the negative rhetoric that children are exposed to, but society is still enmeshed with toxic masculinity and the patriarchy.

Even the most well meaning parent cannot drown out media, societal standards and family completely, some of these toxic standards bleed through. Therefore we each grow up knowing that certain traits of ours are perceived as unacceptable, but we still have them, these emotions become repressed and cause other issues, becoming part of our shadow self. For example, we all know someone who struggles to identify that they can be an angry person, that they are intimidating. This person does not identify that they can be this way and it is fragmented to their shadow side. Other people can still see it, and it is definitely there, but just not accepted as part of the whole person.

Our Shadow side holds our power.

In truth there is nothing wrong with a healthy expression of anger, anger is a productive emotion that invokes change and processes feelings quickly. A person who does not feel fear (of rejection) over showing healthy anger in an appropriate way is a powerful person. Equally an appropriate demonstration of sadness and expressing that through crying is beneficial in many ways, releasing oxytocin and increasing our ability to bond with others. Read more about the benefits of crying here. 

Repressed emotions are intrinsically connected to chronic pain, illness, reduced immune system response and low self esteem, Dr.Gabor Mate has extensive works on this but in particular ‘the healing force within’ (Gabor Mate, 2024) is recommended reading. When we can express our emotions in a healthy way, and have the courage to show up authentically in our lives, we are happier and healthier.

Once we have delved into our shadow side we may find that there are all sorts of hidden traits, and getting to grips with the truth of yourself, and accepting all of yourself means these hidden traits come to the fore. For example, perhaps you grew up feeling that you had to be a provider, to be out in the work force and as a result showed up authoritatively and others described you as ‘grumpy’. After self reflective healing and working on finding out why you didn’t recognise this about yourself, you learned that you actually are a creative. Your nurturing and creative side was banished to your shadow, it didn’t ‘fit’ who you thought you had to be. After living authentically you are comfortable to express this side of yourself and find a new career that allows you to excel, your Shadow became your strength. 

Another example might be you that you are chronically ill and you find out that others see you as a pushover. You are desperate to rid yourself of your ‘incurable’ health condition and unhappy to be seen this way. After self reflection you discover that you have poor boundaries and prioritse others liking you over your own happiness. You go on a self reflective healing journey, integrate your shadow side that IS powerful, that WILL say no, that puts YOU FIRST, and you change your life. You are no longer a push over, you are happy, you maintain your boundaries, and feel authentically yourself for the first time. You also over time notice a reduction in your symptoms and your health returning.

Most people find that their health problems dissipate, they invite healthy relationships, seek new opportunities and experiences. They love their life.

Illuminating Shadow Work Exercise

I will share an exercise that is easy in practice, but requires courage to face your true self. This will illuminate to you how in touch you are with the reality of how you show up in the world, and therefore also illuminate what you may have banished to your shadow.

• Think of at least 5 people who you trust, and when I say trust, I mean will be honest and truthful with their opinion, but not unkind.
• Ask them to write down 10 words that they would use to describe you to a stranger. Explain the importance of honesty and that you are asking them because you value their opinion,
• Ask them to include at least 5 positive words, and 3 things that they think you could work on.
• Get them to fold the paper up if you are with them in person, so you can read it later when alone with your journal.
• Read the opinion lists all at the same time. 
• We are looking for 2 things – common themes and how you feel when reading these descriptions.
• Is there a common theme that you don’t recognise in yourself? If Yes, you have probably uncovered a shadow side trait.
• If something you are uncomfortable with comes up, have a look at that, why are you uncomfortable? Did you know that about yourself? That others see you that way. Where do you think it comes from? 
• Record the feelings stirred by the descriptive words in your journal. 
• Over time see if you become more comfortable and accepting, if not, then you’ve found something you want to work on – which is great!

The side of self that is banished to shadow often is full of traits and characteristics that are powerful, and integrating these aspects of self creates a healthy, dynamic and confident person who is a force of nature. Shadow integration is a choice, it cannot be done for you, courage is required to look in the mirror and boldly accept the truth of who stands there. However shadow integration can be a supported and guided journey, and one I am willing to take with you should you decide to embark on this journey of self love and acceptance.